Reflections

All postings that deal with introspection which may include poetry and prose

My 44 Year Old Hands

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25 years this blog has weathered space and time and it was offline for a couple years with no backup. Thanks to an older backup XML file and the Wayback Machine, I’ve been able to restore the original journal that spans a quarter century of my life. This poem is a time warp from the poem I wrote, which is in the archives, titled: My 22 Year Old Hands…

My 44 Year Old Hands

These are my 44-year-old hands.

Desert hands.

Sun-cured. Split. Salted with years.

They don’t move fast anymore,

but they move like water in a dry wash —

only when it matters.

There are canyons in the knuckles now,

thin arroyo lines where old grief carved through

and never quite washed smooth.

The bones creak like truck springs on a washboard road.

Weather talks through them.

These hands have gripped a steering wheel at 2 a.m.,

held a camera like a compass,

picked through rusted towns and shuttered doors,

lifted stones just to see what lives beneath.

They’ve bled on sandstone.

They’ve shaken with anger and mercy.

They’ve held people like fragile relics

and buried things that never came back.

I don’t use them to reach for everything anymore.

The desert taught them restraint —

you carry only what you need

or the road strips you clean.

Now they know the feel of wind,

of heat that hums in metal,

of prayers sent up with dust devils

instead of pews.

My 44-year-old hands aren’t pretty.

They’re honest.

They tremble less from wanting

and more from remembering.

And when I finally lay them down —

sand-cold, still,

done —

I hope the earth knows them,

like a long-lost stone

rolled back into its riverbed,

and trusts

that they tried to hold this world

without breaking it.

by Nathan Arizona

Related: Braffits Creek, A Thread in the Great Basin | Sonoran Spring with the White Wings

From Liberal to Conservative to Decolonized

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I was Liberal until I became educated & that turned me Conservative until I learned more and realized the whole damn thing was bullshit. That’s when I started to unlearn over the next two decades and realized everything I had ever been taught, indoctrinated with, and fed was BS – So I started breaking the windows of everything I knew, or thought I knew, and that’s where the beginning of the real education started. This unlearning is where true #Decolonization began, which is a positive term for me, because it was a re-awakening! Two decades later, I’m still deprogramming and rewiring as I learn the real truth of the bigger picture. That’s how F-ed up the Western Vulture is! Yet the members of that dominant culture think they know something while their science tries to discover things… Weird. Photo by me, captured in the #Bootheel of #NewMexico of an old abandoned christian church!

Donald J. Trump is Propping Up Evil

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Trump is maintaining PURE EVIL. He’s propping up the same settler regime every single president has ever defended. An immoral empire of lies will continue to spawn immorality until truth prevails. Immorality can only begets more immorality.

All of the corruption common people speak of regarding child exploitation and human trafficking, and the most vile darkness, is due to this colonialism. Trump props it up as he demonstrated brazenly at his appearance at Mt. Rushmore which was a slap in the face of Native People who revere the Black Hills as sacred.

This long history of child abuse, people speak of in the United States in 2020, was utilized as a weapon of cultural genocide and dehumanization against Native kids in Native American Boarding Schools. Various church denominations engaged in the same evils and abuse in assisting the Settler Colonial Regime in its vision of Manifest Destiny. Christians, including Catholics Priests, are some of the worst perpetrators, monsters and abusers.

The largest minority of missing and murdered women and children are Indigenous Women and Children who have been silenced by the colonial regime that TRUMP OR BIDEN continues to prop up. It doesn’t matter who you vote for in the 2020 Election, because the Settler Colonialism is always the winner 100% of the time. That’s the truth.

On an end note, I post a favorite image of the great #Lakota Mystic #SittingBull. He knew about these Wasicu Invaders and the greed in their hearts. This hero gives me a spiritual connection to the past, and what was truly marvelous about the real First Nation that continue to survive American Colonialism. It’s a nice counter-intuition to the negative and evil darkness that is the United States.

Western Culture & White Privilege

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The majority of Americans or European Americans enjoy this little thing called, White Privilege. I will call it Wasicu Privilege or Colonial Privilege. Anglo Americans are all super privileged because we are on the receiving end, as recipients, of a centuries old unjust and illegal occupation – enjoying the fruits of our labors in the Stolen Lands of First Nations! The are still here, surviving and still fighting for a real voice in that system which gives them no actual representation in 2020. That is privilege, my friends! That’s the truth as I see it in YOUR Empire of Lies and Denials that continue to benefit YOU. Welcome to the same old America!

Hovering Up The Canyon

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Middle of the night

during a dripping light storm

Clouds dense like soup

with a smooth humid stench

permeating the mossy August air

it came to me in the early morning

around 2AM with a lowly hum

shortly after orbs were playing tag

which stirred me out of the deepest of sleeps

They danced like ancient spirits

and shimmered

above the New Mexico pines

near the Colorado line

in a place off the road, I encamped

on my way to Dulce

on Jicarilla Apache Lands

it was an old growth forest.

It was where I saw the triangle craft

hovering up the canyon

above US Highway 64

rotating on its side like a wagon wheel

before climbing into the moon soaked

cloud quilt above

and vanishing.

Poem from my UFO Encounter in 2014

by Nathan Arizona

Deeper in Metaphysical Southwest of Mars Arizona

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This morning my maroon-headed humming bird friend with the inch long beak was sitting on the oleander outside my window waiting for me to say hello. For a month before he was following me on morning walks in North Phoenix. I purchased two nectar feeders and I think that’s what he wanted from me? Now, it’s his turf and pesters me when the syrup gets too thick or runs out. In the same area, I have over thirty columnar cacti, mostly Trichocereus types; Bridgesii, Cuzcoensis, Peruvianus, Pachanoi; growing near the window. In my room I have three grow lights with 50-60 cactus plants and succulents from all over the Americas; Ariocarpus & Turbinicarpus plants to Saguaro seedlings growing at 2-3 inches in hight. The goal is to secure some land or find a way to get it and get my cactus friends a permanent home in the beautiful earth somewhere where I can look up at see the Milky Way at night. Obviously, that wouldn’t be the city, correct?

Times have been rough. I’m living in Phoenix Metropolitan Area right now and we are now four months into the Covid-19 Pandemic (Dystopia) which shelved my job as an Arizona based tour guide to the local parks and monuments and I’m currently rethinking that line of work. Coronavirus killed Tourism in Southern Arizona for the time being.

The weather has been paradise in what locals call The Valley. I’ve been in Arizona for about a year and acquired more plants than I ever intended to collect when I moved here. I mention metaphysical in the title of this post because intuition led me here. This is the next step after a period of healing in my former life in Utah. I’m supposed to be collecting cactus now and my ambitions have changed since moving deeper into the American Southwest leaving the Beehive State in the dust. If I move once again, it will be New Mexico; probably the Southern end because this collection of plant nation ‘friends’ have to go with me wherever I wind up because they count on me for their survival. I would not want to build a great big greenhouse at higher elevations, so the goal is land and finding the money to buy it.

The Shadow Man: The Visitor

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I’m hearing the voices from the far distant past from a time when earth was on a different sphere

I could see them roaming the empty landscape underneath the constant turquoise sky. And the valley floor went on forever beneath the bright hum of sun accompanying massive cloud ships. The calmness of the wind whipped up silent dust devils that soon hid their view.

I now can hear their footsteps in the forest but something else walks through the undergrowth. I cannot spot his shadow even though I have always known who he is, because he came to me! He disappears in the rays of filtered sunlight that drift through the skinny pines.

This shadow man constantly dances with me even in the lively flame of my red warm fire; both the fire and the shadow man against the black night – flickering off the trees under the twinking stars. . . those infinite star systems as far as the eye can imagine.

In the early morning the smoke is still rising from what’s left of the smoldering embers and I can catch the wisp of slight burning juniper, maybe a little sage.

I have never forgotten this man – The Visitor who came to me in a deep sleep when I was a 18. His face still haunts me with beautiful flashback memories. This thing, the spirit, the entity, this old man killed my greed and healed my heart.

By Nathan Cowlishaw

December 31, 2017

I Want to Burn My Past

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My “higher” self is really wrecking havoc on me today. A part of me wants to burn everything associated with my past and only look forward. This has nothing to do with my family. It’s all my regrets of past decisions affecting me in the present.

I was sitting in my storage unit today where a leak in the ceiling had rotted a few of my old boxes of stuff and mildew is beginning the decomposing process. It affected some of my junk. As I started to sort through some of it, my past came back to haunt me. Things that I’d rather not remember. I had to step out, take a break and clear my head. The day is coming where I am going to toss a lot more.

For now, I’m back home, rested and just cooling off. Maybe I need to start writing more, and reconnect in like fashion.

The Affinities that Plague Me

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Wish I knew myself better than I do; I have no clue why I have so much affinity for certain things but it’s more of a curse than a blessing sometimes and it feels maddening because there is nothing that easily enables me to connect the dots, like tonight! 99% of the people I have shared my thoughts with cannot interpret or decipher much of what I feel, see, or have experienced. But certain things/triggers/moments make me feel an undeniable connection that brings comfort; such as dancers in any sort of ceremony that I’ve been invited to… Sometimes, all I can tolerate is the wind and being by myself out in the middle of nowhere. It spells temporary relief. I’m going to sleep and will continue this long journey when the sun comes back up in the AM. lmao.

Such is, the journey of life for me. It is good but bittersweet.

Fresh from the Transfer

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Mind Opening Portal
exploring the possibilities
as infinite as they have become
as soon as I had broken the windows
of everything I knew.

Then, as if divinity stepped in,
there he was with all the
beauty that he brought with him
to give to his chosen
unconditionally.

Sentient spirits came from
out of the thundering abyss
from the deep billows of the storm
and down below
all was calm and mesmerizing.

Somewhere out of this chaos
came a powerful peace that predates
our time and place
that came into our space
and brought us together.

It’s quite extraordinary,
this unknown scheme
that is more natural and mystic
than earth-made systems
And into this unknown we venture.

by Nathan Cowlishaw

Aliens in My Early Life

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In my early life, not sure exactly when – some source of intelligence came to me when I was a child. It was not traumatic. It was nothing like being abducted or taken against my will and I was not violated and nothing questionable was committed against me. I have a definitive connection to the Universe outside of our planetary world here on Earth as a result. Whoever they were, wherever they came from; somehow they were involved in my upbringing. I have to give credit when it is due; they had profound influence during my development. There is no other way to explain why I am on this UFO/ET Road, now. I didn’t wind up on this path obsessively until 2013 – when I started witnessing real UFOs in the sky, especially one that was a triangle craft in close proximity on the boundary of the Jicarilla-Apache Reservation Southwest of Dulce, New Mexico in 2014. These events caused earlier memories and recollections in my life to resurface. They are basically telling me, “We Are Still Here!”

Like Humanity, there is good and evil throughout our history with examples like Hitler and the Third Reich, and righteous individuals like Jesus Christ. All these individuals were prime sources of influence on mankind and polar opposites of good and evil. We often blame Lucifer, the Christian Devil as being the source of these evils, and Lucifer is also an Intelligence. The ones I speak of exist both in human and non-human form and when asked whether these intelligences are good and noble or evil and hostile – I respond that they are all the above. Like humanity, there is all sorts of good and evil in all of the Creator’s Universe and I attribute the “Most High” of the Intelligences as the Creator – or what Christians would call God and Muslims call Allah!

We are not alone in the Universe and I think the Creator intended it to be this way. We are being visited and influenced by other intelligences whether they be of light or darkness; there is a balance along with the many shades which accompany these BEINGS. Some of them use technology that is far more advanced than what is available to Humanity’s disposal. Some of this tech has been gifted to us as well, only to be locked up in secrecy.

All I know is that I am barely scratching the surface and I have a lot to learn and there is a lot that I do know about but do not fully understand yet. I have seen some some of these Intelligences, beings, and some of their technologies. I’m comfortable acknowledging this in a very grounded way. Their influence in my life has been very positive with no malevolence but there is a lot of it steeped up in uncrackable mystery. I get a feeling that in due time, more information and knowledge will come to me along with many others who have had these experiences or events that are closely related.

In my teen years I was backpacking solo into the hills. A few of my friends thought I was either suicidal or crazy but I was quite the opposite. While I was out there in the desert, or the mountains, all by myself, powerful things happened to me. These experiences changed my life forever, and the course of my destiny. It made me who I am today. There’s an Mormon adage/scripture that says; “By their fruits, ye shall know them,” and these beings brought about changes in my life that were for the better. Sometimes these episodes left me spooked, startled, completely at a loss and deep in fear but when I came to grips with the experiences, I quickly realized that these events were teaching and preparing me for who knows what? It was something that is coming at a future date. The truth is though, I am an artist, photographer and writer because of these beings and intelligences and their visitations.

If you read through this journal and go through some of my poems/pros written years ago, the words will shed more light on what it is I’m talking about.

Finding The Other Person

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These days, I see other people posting deep things on social networks like Facebook, and I start to think how vain it is to put important content or anything with a more serious personal tone on a place like a corporate social network. Have we become such frail and hollow beings that we no longer find independence? This is why it is important for me to have a journal and a space to pen my more personal and intimate thoughts with a maturity that no social network is worthy of.

While stating the obvious above, here’s what’s on my mind…

I cannot change who I am for anyone but can be supportive and caring and understanding of someone else who is different. Yes, I have my struggles but the Creator knows what’s in my heart. We all have a purpose and a mission in this life. I’m trying to make sense of mine.

I would like to find someone who is wise beyond their years, with a deeper spiritual awakening about the world, and the universe and all of creation, but doesn’t care so much for our secular society where all the mundane norms become overbearing. There would be a strong affinity between this individual and me that comes loaded with absolute certainty neither of us could deny; something confirmed by a Higher Power. The Universe/Multiverse is infinite and I am aware of it as I dwell in the corners of God’s imagination. Love is simply being content and grateful for what God, the Creator, has given you. Love, through all of it’s expressions works in mysterious ways with an intelligence that even becomes eternal.

Writing a journal through these technologies enables a sturdy place for record keeping. Every day, the internet is being recorded and archived for future generations. Keeping this record let’s those who read it in the future know what was going through my mind, historically. Really, though, sometimes a serious thought and introspection is worth writing and then contemplating on.

I was inspired to say something meaningful! I’m happy in my own skin as I have matured over the years while facing the music. As an individual, my happiness comes from within and my desires and needs have changed over time. I’m still young, with so much life ahead. I hope the Creator helps me determine a destiny and guides me on where I need to go and lets me know what needs to get done.

The Western Vulture Has It Backwards

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I’m anti-secular and I don’t mean in the simple religious sense but in a deep spiritual context that involves the entire physical universe and reality as we know it. I truly believe that science cannot even begin to fathom or comprehend just how beautifully supernatural our waking reality is. Our entire Earth and all creation is full of countless intelligences. Rocks, trees; anything composed of matter/atoms are intelligent. I believe many Native nations had a scientific and intricate knowledge of this but the Western Vulture has it all backwards…



Looking For Answers

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Due to lack of sleep last night, I’m feeling somewhat mixed-up on this fine Friday. We had a string of car burglaries on our street late last night, and luckily my buddies and I happened to be in the right place to call the police and they were busted pretty fast off the cuff. This is not a big deal because I’ve already got enough excitement to exceed my daily dose this whole week.

I’ve got a lot of stuff on my mind because I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Things are all up in the air right now. I’m getting ready to move from Cedar and I’m trying to consider the things that are most important to me. It would be nice if there were more of a real job market in Cedar City, but 45 miles south of my hometown is where the economic reality lays in reach.

I’ve had an amazing week with so much to describe that I don’t know where to begin or what I should do? Because of this cross-roads, I’ve divvied this down to the very moment, the present. Meaning, I’m not going to worry about the past or future but just try to live day-to-day and see where it takes me and see if there’s something that I can do to adjust the outcome of my destiny or what happens.

The important individuals in this moment can have a real impact on the outcome of how this will play out for me. Based on circumstance, anything is possible concerning heart-felt dreams. Some of these thoughts are too personal to share on a public blog. So I’m thinking of what I should do, and how I should go about doing it. Wow… All I can say, is live life to the fullest and have a lot of faith. Believe in yourself and hope for great things to come to light.

She is my new muse… An artist is she…

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I can hear the soft whisper of the wind as it gently brushes the window blinds and evening starts to set-in… The Robins are singing in the late afternoon summer. Fine sediment is blowing in from the dust bowl west of town. And I’m just thinking… thinking about a lot of things.

Life is full of beauty with the simple, if you just let. them. be.

A Relentless Rant and Endless Beauty

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How do you show contempt for someone in such a satisfying way as not to start hating them? I don’t know, but I’m very angry. For now, I’ve got the the sun-baked shadows in Moab to keep me calm and focused. An air-conditioned hotel reminds me of the lavish excesses of American civilization; I’m tired of the complexity associated with soothsayers, snake oil salesman, and uninformed minions & consumers of American fat.

Why should I fear saying what’s in my heart without reprisal? I don’t fear. It’s no loss of mine to keep my soul and reject the vanities of reckless stupidly. I’m tired of all this deafening excess of fat-eaters with their hollow sophistication. It’s not art, it’s not beauty. They are killing their souls with their greed. Money & greed, and all these pigs make me grieve. What happened to country simplicity? Did it get lost in the translation of money spending? Some people lose their soul to luxury. Culture is not the heart of greed. Rugged individualists never get offended at the thoughtful witty curve balls that pigs can’t stomach. Pigs are those on the receiving end that get offended at every slightest inconvenience or opinion. These things bring disharmony to my life the same way laziness does.

Words are powerful, and my soul sings a hymn against the pigs while they wine and dine in all their filth. Let me be who I am without trying to kill my spirit with your excesses. Let me discover a love so true, for someone who understands me somewhat… and loves me until the day I die. Please, Creator, deliver me from some of these wretched confines. I dream of beauty. I dream of life. I want peace.

The land speaks to me and I cannot expect much from uninformed masses, except to keep teaching those that will listen. For the pigs, I’ll let them be, and I will let myself be reborn. I don’t know how to get away from it, them? If I knew my heart wouldn’t break again and again, I could return to my roots but I am lost, innocent, confused, betrayed because of my kindness. I’m learning that being kind leaves one to be exploited. Lonely are those who are sincere in a charlatan empire.

With faith and hope, the Creator guides me in the desert. In the town of Moab, all things are bustling in the oven of arches, cliffs, cloud and shadow. The beauty is stark and untamed. I just wish I could be as eternal as the geological landscapes and canyons but give me true love for a short while for someone I can trust. An unconditional-untamed love could tame a fiery heart like mine.

Pain and Adventure

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Artwork by Lucy Leuppe McKelvey

There is a slight breeze coming through the window blinds and the face of sunlight creeps against the bedroom wall and edges down the hallway towards the bathroom. The blazing star begins another summer day as I drag myself out of bed and down the road. The Jeep starts up with a clogged fuel filter which needs to be changed this morning or today. There’s a few other problems that need fixing on the Cherokee but I take on each day without too much worry. I’m just need the next serious adventure.

The neighbor’s window chimes dance in the wind trying to conjure up desert fairies. Cloud ships sail on the wind across the landscape. Like a flash of memory, I’m driving out somewhere unknown, down a wasteland road with the crazy distance blowing in my hair and I am thinking of a far off place, out in the galaxy, lost in the stars, dreaming. I’m traveling through the universe past black holes and alien supernovas. The voice of the mystery of mysterious resonates with the endless ages and I am just a small glitch on God’s intergalactic radar. He moves the clouds that turn yellow wild daisies eastward on the mountain top and Aspen leaves clap with each twisty gust.

Some days like these, I have no care in the world after suffering as a bleeding heart dreamer that longs to be understood. Yet, I remain calm in the silence of the wilderness when all other faucets of life grow turbulent. Manhood is not much different than childhood. Men need love like a child needs affection. In the wild turning of yellow daisies and dark lightning storms that love is discovered in dreams, faith, and hope for a more profound future that is either based on passion, visual aesthetics or incredible goals being achieved. The same discovery is made fighting the woes of human suffering & misery while walking the walk. I want to have a brighter future where not all things are misunderstood and the thin threads of truth can be seen running amongst misguided strings.

Writing is one way to fracture the confusion and myriad of complex thought processes in order to streamline the whole grand scheme and simplify a dreamers quest through the world of the Unknown and the Uncaring. Because I do care but I cannot understand the vast majority of humans in this world and why they are so cruel to each other or to anything. What is with the hostility? Why are people so mean to each other? There is the inherent evil in life that cannot be quenched or quelled, or changed. We are forced to live with our own darkness. This reality is like poison and the only way to change it is to seek the truth beyond lies and half-truths. During all this rambling though I am relieved to hear Edward Abbey when all else seems to fail and his words put a smile on my face. At least for now and I quote Mr. Abbey:

“Do not burn yourselves out. Be as I am– a reluctant enthusiast…a part time crusader, a half-hearted fanatic. Save the other half of yourselves and your lives for pleasure and adventure. It is not enough to fight for the land; it is even more important to enjoy it. While you can. While it is still there. So go out there and hunt and fish and mess around with your friends, ramble out yonder and explore the forests, encounter the grizz, climb the mountains, and bag the peaks…. and I promise you this much: I promise you this one sweet victory over your enemies, over those deskbound people with their hearts in a safe deposit box… I promise you this: you will outlive the bastards.”

My Experience As An Outlaw

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Let’s start a political movement. Several ideas keep flooding my head and I can no longer ignore them. I have a dream for America, and it’s starts in my local community. Conservative hill-billy Southern Utah, here I come. Consider me both conservative and middle-of-the-road but I have ideas that run deeper than civilization and I intend to focus this political energy into a grassroots movement. The first batch of issues I wish to address are as follows; government accountability & transparency, police misconduct, racism & discrimination in the community and asking the “hard questions” to politicians who we elect into office and holding them accountable if they skimp out. All of this starts at the community level, in my own back yard – little cow-poke Cedar City.

Last Saturday night I sang Folsom Prison Blues in a cold cement cell in the Iron County Jailhouse. It made me feel like Johnny Cash. After returning from St. George, Utah on a date with a great red-headed gal, I was pulled over by a polite rookie cop & five minutes later escorted from my Jeep, accompanied by a second officer and formally arrested in front of my date. I wasn’t even allowed to walk her to the door, appropriately. This angered me pretty bad. It turns out my license was suspended and they had a warrant for my arrest over an unpaid ticket. Five months before, I was pulled over & cited for not having proof of insurance while running an errand in my mother’s truck. My sweet mom claimed she would take care of the ticket & clear my name, since it happened in her truck. It’s safe to assume it didn’t happen. It was my responsibility, anyway.

I didn’t have to spend the night in the slammer thanks to my buddy, Tom. The ticket was dismissed on Monday morning with an agreement that I plead guilty for failing to appear in court. The judge fined me $137 & $35 to get my driver’s license reinstated. What a wonderful money-making scheme for the county and state. They made an example out of me; made me feel like an outlaw! It was empowering. Now I declare myself a bonafide rebel. I will misbehave, wreck havoc, and change the world in every legal way possible. I will act as an outlaw in the most law-abiding sense that any legal outlaw should act. I will change the system.

Thanks to two donut-hunters, I have the inspiration needed to write this rant. With all the stories I’ve been hearing about borderline harassment of American citizens by local law enforcement in this town, It’s time to raise the bar and set higher standards of conduct for Utah lawmen. And why are Washington and Iron Counties making bank off of law-abiding citizens like us when they should be chasing after real criminals instead of harassing citizens!? We are still living in the old west. There’s a lot of room to abuse power in Southern Utah. I’ve done my best to respect the efforts of local police and I am one of the most law-abiding citizen you’ll ever meet. Unfortunately two police officers barked up the wrong tree when they decided to mess with me. We can argue that they were just doing their job and this was routine, but I feel wronged for many a reason. . . we can continue this discussion but I don’t feel like writing any more. It get’s me upset.

The World of the Green-Back Dollar Bill

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Technology in my world has a limited place. If all electricity shut off tomorrow, it would be the first day of an epic adventure that I have been looking forward to for all my life. That’s right, I see the ‘End’ as the beginning of an adventure, and definitely a new way of life! I’ve been living my life in such a way to survive this cataclysmic change headed our way. This is what would make me an anarchist to some people but a peaceful one at that. I don’t believe in any form of violence except against the most evil rulers and tyrants of the world, and those that commit murder, and abuse innocent children.

Like a coyote minding his own business, most people get the wrong perceptions of me or what I am up to. But the coyote is usually just trying to survive while chasing after the insects, and rabbits & living from day to day. Make no mistake about it, it is a matter of survival though! Life is supposed to be simple. Instead this modern world of the “career” is causing troubles amongst humanity. We are becoming less human and more dehumanized. It is taking us away from the harmony of being with our families, wives, husbands, and a healthy world environment.

I’m do not oppose general labor or hard work because in the old days it required serious effort in hunter & gatherer societies to survive and innovate. They spent a lot of time observing the natural world and copying what they observed. Those life-ways could become life and death struggles, if people strayed too far from the pattern. If you didn’t search for food all day in the warm months of spring, summer and autumn you may have run the serious risk of not being able to survive the winter months that followed and would starve to death. On the same token, you were always surrounded by your family, your loved ones, and perhaps you had more leisure time than in the world of busy bees and daily salaries.

Here’s the root problem of the modern civilized world. At the heart of this culture, pop-culture, American/Westernized culture is greed. Everything in this society hinges on the green-back dollar bill. In this pseudo-culture money does buy happiness and leisure time, to be more creative. But without it, the poor are either barely plugging away, or they are very destitute. Without the riches, you become a nuisance, a bum, a hobo, a welfare recipient, a vagabond, an outlaw, gypsy, hippie, cowboy, recluse, etc. But the greatest threat to our humanity & the world, to Mother Earth, is the same greed that’s at the heart of our culture, and machine. Even the recession is a result of it.

Amongst the Mormons, our belief is that the love of money is the root of all evil. Our Mormon leaders tell us that money and financial matters are becoming intertwined with spiritual matters. Being financially sound and stable is the key to spiritual happiness in the “civilized” world of the green back dollar bill. Lame Deer called the green paper; ‘Frogskin,’ which often had no value in other cultures but swiftly changed the way we evolved as human beings.

Don’t get me wrong. I love electronics. I love using twitter, and Facebook, and listening to my music on my iPod. The influences of technology on our lives seems almost limitless and amazing. Heck, I love technology and what it does for me; it’s how I keep in contact with the world, my friends, and my family. But mentally, I am preparing for a sudden change, when things can stop abruptly.

What if all the electricity in the world shut-off, suddenly? Are you ready? It’s a serious question when you sit down and consider your own welfare. When I am on the mountain or in the deep canyon and listening to the wailing wind and bickering crow, these feelings loom in my heart and mind; it is a strange peace when growing used to this uncertainty. I know something is headed our way, I just can’t place my finger on it. Somehow the greed in this world is going to stop because something has got to give. It’s kind of like a reservoir dam trying to hold the water back as it begins to crack.

I don’t have answers, only more questions, thoughts, feelings, and dreams. But I am ready. I’m bracing myself and learning. I’m listening to the wind, and thinking how beautiful life can be. My life is beautiful and I love the people in it. But I am just like the coyote usually minding my business and simply trying to get by in an increasingly dehumanized world.

Early Morning Drive

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About 5 AM this morning I threw on Levis and Redwing boots and rushed into the early February cold before the hint of dawn. As I fired up the Jeep it was so frigid that I quickly retreated into the house waiting for the engine to warm up. The day before, after church, I drove into the desert to plow in four-wheel-drive through fresh snow and get a good scenic view of the aftermath of a big blizzard that had moved through on Saturday. After turning on a random dirt road, I drove about 50 miles cutting fresh tracks in the new snowfall. It felt like I traveled back in time, very nostalgic. I’ve roamed these hills enough to believe it still is like the frontier days. As I looked off into the distance I thought I saw the Wells Fargo stage-coach heading towards the mining-camp of Pioche, Nevada.

Later on I was passing a bend in a canyon and witnessed two coyotes playing in the snow on the opposite hillside. They were unaware of my approach but took off over the ridge after getting spooked. Ten miles later, I came upon a large heard of sheep in a desolate basin scouring for the grass beneath the snow. Two huge white dogs guarded the bunch like vigilant cowboys. They barked warnings at me to stay in the vehicle.

I need to write more for posterity. My Grandpa Lamoreaux suffered a serious stroke recently and he was known as a story-teller in the family. But everything was oral. With the stroke, those stories and memories are lost in time. I grew up with my grandpa telling me about the lost Spanish Gold, claim jumpers, and ghosts. I regret not recording the stories of my grandfather & his prospecting days. All I have is what I remember him telling me. It was often when we were traveling back from the Alabaster mines on the other side of Bryce Canyon that he would begin a tale.

My love for the hills was spawned and nurtured by my grandfather and his love of nature and prospecting. My own sentiment about the landscape evolved in a different way. I’m not so much a prospector or capitalist like him. More or less, I love the wilderness because it is all we have left. I want to see things go back to the old ways. If I could I’d reverse time and send everyone back to the days of their ancestors. I just love the history of the red sandstone and the deepness of the canyons. The history it still there, haunting these places and we are another chapter. Those canyon will still be there long after we are gone. When I’m in a sandstone canyon there’s nothing more archaic than the echo of a hungry ravens as it glides above the sandstone rim & or the distant thunder of a monsoon cloud-burst off in the distance, or the trickling stream winding it’s way through a rattling grove of Cottonwood. I live for the simplicity, ruggedness, and the rough terrain of Canyon Country, and getting up before sunrise. My gold mine is the beautiful places that have taken root in my heart.

I’ve lost sight on occasion of these most precious things in my life. God created these holy places to seek refuge from the bitter storms of life but I’ve allowed myself to get bogged down like everyone else who gets plugged into civilization. Our modern lifestyle destroys our connections to the Earth and the land. I haven’t forgotten my roots, and I am going back to them. I’m familiar with the canyons and high plateaus of Utah where the meadowlark still sits on the fence-line in spring, singing in as the morning dew glitters in the sun-rays. It’s almost March and I am feeling so restless with summer fever. I’m restless and was up before sunrise with the neighborhood in a slumber.

So I’ve returned from the drive – rejuvenated by snowy country roads and greeted by the sun as it rose from the East. I beat the dawn and it lengthened my day. Life is super-short, why spend it sleeping!? I’ve also been so distracted trying to locate my better half, and haven’t met a girl who loves the mountains & canyons as much as I do. Well, may I have? It’s too early to tell! It’s the end of February and winter is ready to fight. I don’t mind the Spring snow. It’s expected but unwelcome to most who live in the high desert. As a photographer, I always welcome stormy weather but I really love seeing snow slush on green grass and yellow daffodils. The first cricket started singing in my apartment yesterday. He was telling me that Spring had arrived!

Decolonizing America?

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It’s not impossible for Uncle Sam to change his outlook & decolonize. In fact, I think he could change his whole opinion & quit seeing the world from the typical ethnocentric, westernized standpoint. Our multi-cultural nation could enter an enlightened renaissance never seen before in the history of civilization!

My Life is a River

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Checkerboard Mesa

It’s 1 A.M. in the morning and I am inspired to write. Why is that? This thought came into my head because I no longer suffer from the writers block. All of a sudden I feel inspired to write. Life is like a river. I’m a desert rat and river rat and this is how I live. The desert canyon country is my dwelling. Because life is a river, I do not know whats around the next bend in the canyon or when the next major rapid is going to challenge my raft.

So I spent the whole evening watching episodes of the X-Files and the adventures of Scully and Mulder. They are two complete opposites but they make a team like bread and butter. It’s nice to see the harmony between the two FBI characters as they investigate the paranormal mysteries of our time. Ya, it’s just a TV show but I have a lot of affinity for it and I am not one to watch television at all. I spend most of my time taking pictures or going into the hills looking for the shadows that creep in stone labyrinths of the wilderness. I’ve had my own experiences with the Unknown and the unexplainable. Who knows what’s out there? But if you go with me on enough adventures, you too will experience the same phenomena.

The mountains, desert, and wilderness have shaped my politics and how I see the world. It was the starting point that I began to dream about things bigger than myself. It all starts with something as simple as being in nature and listening to the wind. That’s where the real power in this world resides, not in materialistic ignorance or the lustful trinkets of our modern secular world.

I’m not in the mood to proof-read this or re-edit so I’ll just leave-it-be…

The Howling Wind Tells the Story

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The Hitch Hiker

Do you ever listen to the wind, the silence, the rattling aspen leaves? Have you considered the end of the world, lately? Today feels very uncertain. The final throws of summer are dying; crickets still sing at night. Off in the distance I listen to the hum of the freeway, diesels and cars fly down I-15. Sunflowers are dangling in the wind bright as yellow day. I watched the purple sun vanish through a dark slit in the sky and celebrated a friend’s birthday at a local Japanese restaurant called, Ninja. When I came home this evening, I cracked open an interesting read titled, Lame Deer – Seeker of Visions. It provoked some thoughts on where our world is headed. I can’t help but think – we are approaching a cataclysmic change. Maybe this is why there’s so many dust-devils chasing through the desert? In the wasteland, the wind howls through the skeletal remains of our decaying civilization. Something unknown brews the outskirts of our modern life. While we are being drenched with mass media at the very center of all our populated cultural icons, something undeniably and truthfully cold is growing on the edges of our dream… Here’s what Lame Deer said about his vision:

“In my vision the electric light will stop sometime. It is used too much for TV and going to the moon. The day is coming when nature will stop the electricity. Police without flashlights, beer getting hot in the refrigerators, planes dropping from the sky, even the President can’t call up somebody on the phone. A young man will come, or men, who’ll know how to shut off all electricity. It will be painful, like giving birth. Rapings in the dark, winos breaking into the liquor stores, a lot of destruction. People are being too smart, too clever; the machine stops and they are helpless, because they have forgotten how to make due without the machine. There is a Light Man coming, bringing a new light. It will happen before this century is over. The man who has this power will do good things too — stop all atomic power, stop wars, just by shutting the white electro-power off. I hope to see this, but then I’m also afraid. What will be will be.”

Owls, Coyotes, Memories and Dreams

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Wild Art - Raven Lands on Dead Juniper Claw

My Amigo, Omar and I traveled out to Milford, Utah. We stopped off at an old abandoned mining mill and smelter out in the boonies. There inside a decrepit torn building with a partially collapsed roof, we saw a Great Horned owl which flew out of the ruins and then returned a few seconds later. It wasn’t very far above our heads, about 15 feet and It landed up in the roof rafters. It looked back down on us with ruffled feathers and a quiet stance. This has been apart of a strange series of events that I’ve noticed over the past summer. Since July, I’ve had about five different coyotes cross my path and I cannot help but feel slightly superstitious. At first, it felt like bad luck but there’s beauty in all of this. I do not know what these events mean? Rarely have I had coyotes cross my path, if ever? Usually I see deer, or even skunks, but never coyotes. So the frequency of these events leads me to believe something strange is happening? I’m wondering how this may affect my life or if it is an omen of some sort? Being Mormon, and LDS, I cannot dive too deep into this mystery.

But life is beyond real or the confines of imaginary fiction. Something spectacular crawls through our reality of time and space. Events happen that cannot be explained. We have experiences like breaking down at Area 51 or nearly drowning in a Grand Canyon Flood. Or perhaps fate does exists and a perfect love story begins… Who knows? Maybe fate was never real, and we begin to fill our imaginations with crazy nonsense. Truly, I never really give up on faith and the power of patience.

As I roam desert wastelands, and talk to quirky strangers, I realize the beauty of this life and to have a strong faith in the unseen. Things happen when the time is right. As I write this, I listen to the crickets outside my open door out in the country and watch the sunlight fade into soft warm dusk. Fall is coming, and I ponder the adventures that await…

Now going down memory lane, this is a lonely flare but ignites in the cave of my dreams. I miss the deep starry skies of Flagstaff, Arizona and the snow in the Ponderosa. I don’t usually like the winter cold but the land of Northern Arizona captures my imagination. I miss hearing train whistles blow all night long as Santa Fe rail cars passed through downtown. Flagstaff is the classic, Route 66 train town and where the music of Johnny Cash grew close to my heart. Tonight, I let these memories catch fire…

And now, a short love poem – let the starlight capture your gaze tonight where happiness never sleeps and dreams never soften. A heart that is pure cannot deny the truth of what was real, and I love life because of what may be? Never forget the memories as they come and go and flee…

Life Requires Deep Roots

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I’m like the coyote, often careless, reckless, and naive even in my late twenties. Okay, I have to confess something publicly, I acted out on my insecurities. It was very reckless and I may have said some mean things. I didn’t realize they may be taken that way until after I reread the words. Be careful what you say to another human being. Words are like tooth-paste. Once it’s out of the tube, it’s hard to get back in. I am sensitive, irrational, illogical, and dream too much. Empathy is not always my strong point hence why I need to be much more proactive when it comes to dealing with the people in my life.

Faith is required in all human relationships. Faith is confidence to replace fear. Life requires deep roots as the reality will wear one thin. My grandfather was rooted deep. That’s why he was married 50 plus years. Take time to learn how to suppress those insecurities and don’t let them damage the ones you love or care about. Often you will not even realize when you hurt someone. Be unconditional and slow to react. The better you are at this, the more you will be loved by some, and praised by others.

My Strong Heart

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flag (1 of 1)

First off, I finally have something to write about and it concerns my earlier life. This is what I call introspection. When I was in grade school I hopelessly teased, ridiculed, and made fun of. In the sixth grade I wore a hat that proclaimed, “I love my Grandpa!” The other school children made fun of me because I dressed like a country boy and was living in Salt Lake City at the time. Basically, I was country when country wasn’t cool and I didn’t jive with city kids. I wasn’t good at sports, neither. So the combination made me the class clown.

In a way, I feel like I was dealt a great injustice but it empowered me to be self-dependent, to survive alone this world. That’s where it all begins. This is what makes me personally sovereign. By my definition of that, it means being a citizen to yourself first and foremost before giving allegiance to anything or anyone else. I’m a warrior against the injustices in the world and I’ve learned to be that way from personal struggles. I was bullied in school and now I stand against those that destroy beauty.

There’s a reason I’m an outlaw and a rebel against this modern world because I hear the voices on the wind and dream of deepness and darkness of rivers. My dreams are strong and powerful just like the thunderstorm off in the distance or the coyote that crosses the road. My heart allows me to take a stand against the injustices in the world and I want to become a warrior spirit against those that harm the beauty in this world.

The Creator gave me a heart that is true and pure. The truth is, I am not afraid of getting my heart broken or hurt. Life is beautiful and it’s the challenging experiences that count most. In the end, my deepest charms are reserved for the girl that wins my heart. All others will be friend-zoned. 🙂

Aliens and Country Store Ice Cream

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Earthlings Welcome

We drove out to Area 51 in the middle of the night which turned into a big misadventure. Actually, it wasn’t a misadventure at all. Well it was, but it wasn’t. And it wasn’t even my idea. You see, there’s this girl I was studying with at Southern Utah University and after we finished up she suggested that we drive to Area 51 in Southern Nevada in the middle of the night. I don’t think she realized that I would do such a thing. Most guys aren’t crazy. Well, she’s crazy and I realized how much fun it would be. So we went hippie and took two of our friends along and drove to Area 51 in the middle of the night. The plan was to pull an all night adventure. So with a wild hair we left Southern Utah for Area 51. I’ve never visited the place in the middle of the night and the inspiration behind it was impressive.

So we began the journey leaving Cedar City around 10 PM. On our way we stopped in Modena, Utah next to some rotting antique buildings from the 19th century. They were all boarded up and looked mysterious in the headlights of a parked SUV. We also stood next to the tracks as a train flew by. The energy of the beast rattled the ground like a land slide and whipped the dark wind creating the most intense sensation of freedom. We stood within a few feet of the passing train with our arms all stretched stretched to the sky. It’s these little moments that grow on you and burn into memory. It’s why people go on adventures; to experience life which is way too short. It’s why love has so much power. I love life. Now back to the story…

This crazy girl is Aleicia. Don’t ask me where she came from. I call her the rock chip repair girl. That’s how my amigos and I met her. She fixes rock chips on peoples’ windows next to one of our favorite country fast food joints in Cedar City called Top Spot. They have a plastic cow on the roof that makes the whole town laugh and you can get bonafide country store ice-cream for a buck! Well I take it back, it isn’t just ice cream; it’s a home-made/hand-made shake that costs a dollar. That’s how I met this amazing girl, Aleicia, telling her about Country Store Ice Cream while she was inspecting a rock chip on my wind-shield.

After leaving Modena, we crossed the Nevada state line around midnight and took a pit-stop in Pioche in Lincoln County, Nevada. We walked into a haunted motel with a reputation for ghosts. The town itself is of high red-neck quality, the towns-folk are very unusual and sometimes suspicious of outsiders. Some of them are storytellers of the the old west or descendants of outlaws. There’s not much to see in the middle of the night so we took pictures on the empty main as fluorescent street lights eliminated ancient buildings in strange white isolation. It is said when Pioche was first established as a mining camp in the late 1800s, over 76 people died in shoot-outs and cold blooded murder before anyone passed on of natural causes. So the town never gained the same notoriety as Tombstone or Dodge City but it was more lawless than both those towns combined. Pioche was nearly invisible on the vast frontier, being on edge of the Mojave wilderness and the Southern Fringe of the Great Basin.

The Great Basin enormous and covers most of Nevada. The geographical characteristics are usually valleys that stretch for dozens of miles with sparse mountain ranges popping up like islands in the sea. You can drive down an empty highway and never see another motorist for hours on end, even in the middle of the summer during tourist season. I once ran out of gas on my way to Baker, Nevada once and was stranded on the roadside for five hours before an RV came along with spare can of gas. This is why I love that country!

We didn’t stay long in Pioche but we stopped briefly at Cathedral Gorge State Park for a moon-lit hike through strange badlands formations and joked and teased in the dark of night. What an eerie place as it reminded me of a time when Skinwalkers and Chupacobras lurk in the shadows of Juniper and Pinion and coyotes howl in the sage. We watched one of the last thunderheads of summer pour down on the desert, and the lightning show was reminiscent of fireworks but it was natural and beautiful. We were soon driving through the downpour on our way to Nevada’s secret military base but the federal government still denies its existence!

Around 2-3 AM we arrived in the shambled ruins of Rachel, Nevada, on the northern boundary of Area 51. It doesn’t even look like a town at all. There’s the Little Ale’inn which is the major gathering place of UFO enthusiasts and alien experts from all over the world. Before arriving there, we took pictures of otherworldly grafitti; little green men with big bug eyes painted on buildings and water tanks. The rural decay around Rachel is amazing because of the extra terrestrial memorabilia that has become quite nostalgic. We stopped briefly at the inn to photograph the famous sign there, while looking up at shooting stars. That is one evening I will never forget.

We finally ventured down one of the back roads to the border of Area 51, to a gated entrance that was heavily lit. We approached the signs that say. “Use of Deadly Force, Authorized.” We parked the Blazer about twenty feet from the gate in the lights of a watch-tower and observed a unmarked military guard walking in the darkness. He was wearing what looked like a space suite and no one ever came to talk to us. They knew we were there long before we arrived. That’s all we witnessed of Area 51. We never saw strange lights, just a few shooting stars… There’s not much else to see and it’s not all that spectacular. We went out there because it was important that we actually had the experience. We set a goal and we accomplished our initiative. It is important to follow through on your initiatives just like it’s important for a climber on Mt. Everest to reach the summit. We accomplished our mission, but it came with a price.

To be continued…

My Random Cowboy Life

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It’s time for me to call it quits on being a summer tour guide. That means staying home and having a real social life. For the past five years, I have been either traveling or working somewhere on a ranch! It’s spectacular but I’ll admit even the best adventuring grows old. I want a family someday and it isn’t going to happen if I’m always moving. The desert and the road trips are amazing but I’m ready to anchor myself and get down to business with dating. I’ll type my thoughts daily and get in the habit of doing so. Right now, it feels super random when I have not written anything in months. It’s a rough start so stay-tuned!

A Noise is Made

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Enoch, Utah

Somewhere in the day to day continuity, you wish for some kind of escape from reality. Vanity rules our minds because we are emotional creatures. There is no logic concerning human behavior. Beyond all the static, our most basic desires are not always realized. Could it be we don’t always venture beyond where we feel comfortable?

In the maze, there is a way past all the dead-ends. There is always a way from start to finish. The clues are there to build endurance. Being aware of the possibilities requires being calm and having faith. Life is about those unexpected events that bring you closer to your objective or push you away. Be ready for all kinds of setbacks. There are many stumbling blocks that will hinder your journey.

It’s all about finding a way, with a will-power that is in your heart. It’s in the motivation and ambition that you invest. The current that can drown you is strong and this is where you have to succeed or fail. It is up to only you to find a way, if you choose to survive. What I am saying is, life is beautiful but never easy. This is reality. If you want to survive, there is no room for self-pity. Survival is rooted in a person being happy and content in their own lives without having to rely on others for that joy. That’s the secret.

The objective is to live strong and find that personal sovereignty in a world of greed and materialism. God has designed natural mechanisms in every human being to build success. We are hard-wired to be tough, to survive, and outlast every storm. Every worthy pursuit requires serious courage and risk. Disappointment has to be accepted as commonplace.

There is only one way to success, it’s in you! You have to be the persistent dreamer. You have to know what to do and what you want. Your heart has to be tough during hard times. The choices you make in this regard will determine your outcome.

While introspecting I had to record a few thoughts because I don’t really have a journal anywhere. So maybe it’s good to write it here on a blog. At least a few ideas emerge, maybe? If someone is reading this and benefits, then I am glad. If you wish to add your thoughts, please do so! 🙂

Flashbacks of Havasupai

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Mooney Falls on the Havasupai Reservation

Last night I went hiking down in the Narrows. There were no clouds in the sky. I returned to Cedar City around 7 P.M. and spent that evening reading Desert Solitaire by Edward Abbey.

Sometime in the wee-hours of morning I had a strong dream about the entire Grand Canyon getting inundated with water ripping down every gorge and side canyon. Imagine the destruction to Hoover Dam? At the Bar 10 lodge where I used to work on the North Rim, I dreamed the employees had gone crazy and were gambling and playing poker. When I awakened images of what happened in Havasupai last weekend came back to me. I could hear the roaring overflow, snapping wood and boulders. Oh, how I miss Havasupai though with the hiking trail that meanders from the campground onto Mooney Falls and down to Beaver Falls, ending at the Rio Colorado. What a spectacular thing it is to day-dream of Havasupai!

Next week I head to Canyon Lands and Horseshoe Canyon. I’ve invited some people to join me on that excursion but doubt anybody is going along. Surviving Havasupai helped me discover my humanity and the big realm of possibilities. My heart is not going to be bludgeoned by the suit and tie world because I am forever individualistic. Life is a short-lived paradise and my intention is to take advantage of every quick moment. The sheer ruggedness of Canyon Country awaits my return and I will seize every opportunity to be in the wild.

It is nice to have friends along though because you develop a camaraderie that goes totally unrivaled in the materialistic world. Friends become buddies and memories are created that never fade!

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