Reflections

All postings that deal with introspection which may include poetry and prose

My 44 Year Old Hands

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25 years this blog has weathered space and time and it was offline for a couple years with no backup. Thanks to an older backup XML file and the Wayback Machine, I’ve been able to restore the original journal that spans a quarter century of my life. This poem is a time warp from the poem I wrote, which is in the archives, titled: My 22 Year Old Hands… My 44 Year Old Hands These are my 44-year-old hands. Desert hands. Sun-cured. Split. Salted with years. They don’t move fast anymore, but they move like water in a dry wash …

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From Liberal to Conservative to Decolonized

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I was Liberal until I became educated & that turned me Conservative until I learned more and realized the whole damn thing was bullshit. That’s when I started to unlearn over the next two decades and realized everything I had ever been taught, indoctrinated with, and fed was BS – So I started breaking the windows of everything I knew, or thought I knew, and that’s where the beginning of the real education started. This unlearning is where true #Decolonization began, which is a positive term for me, because it was a re-awakening! Two decades later, I’m still deprogramming and rewiring as …

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Donald J. Trump is Propping Up Evil

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Trump is maintaining PURE EVIL. He’s propping up the same settler regime every single president has ever defended. An immoral empire of lies will continue to spawn immorality until truth prevails. Immorality can only begets more immorality. All of the corruption common people speak of regarding child exploitation and human trafficking, and the most vile darkness, is due to this colonialism. Trump props it up as he demonstrated brazenly at his appearance at Mt. Rushmore which was a slap in the face of Native People who revere the Black Hills as sacred. This long history of child abuse, people speak of in …

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Western Culture & White Privilege

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The majority of Americans or European Americans enjoy this little thing called, White Privilege. I will call it Wasicu Privilege or Colonial Privilege. Anglo Americans are all super privileged because we are on the receiving end, as recipients, of a centuries old unjust and illegal occupation – enjoying the fruits of our labors in the Stolen Lands of First Nations! The are still here, surviving and still fighting for a real voice in that system which gives them no actual representation in 2020. That is privilege, my friends! That’s the truth as I see it in YOUR Empire of Lies and Denials that continue …

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Hovering Up The Canyon

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Middle of the night during a dripping light storm Clouds dense like soup with a smooth humid stench permeating the mossy August air it came to me in the early morning around 2AM with a lowly hum shortly after orbs were playing tag which stirred me out of the deepest of sleeps They danced like ancient spirits and shimmered above the New Mexico pines near the Colorado line in a place off the road, I encamped on my way to Dulce on Jicarilla Apache Lands it was an old growth forest. It was where I saw the triangle craft hovering …

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Deeper in Metaphysical Southwest of Mars Arizona

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This morning my maroon-headed humming bird friend with the inch long beak was sitting on the oleander outside my window waiting for me to say hello. For a month before he was following me on morning walks in North Phoenix. I purchased two nectar feeders and I think that’s what he wanted from me? Now, it’s his turf and pesters me when the syrup gets too thick or runs out. In the same area, I have over thirty columnar cacti, mostly Trichocereus types; Bridgesii, Cuzcoensis, Peruvianus, Pachanoi; growing near the window. In my room I have three grow lights with …

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The Shadow Man: The Visitor

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I’m hearing the voices from the far distant past from a time when earth was on a different sphere I could see them roaming the empty landscape underneath the constant turquoise sky. And the valley floor went on forever beneath the bright hum of sun accompanying massive cloud ships. The calmness of the wind whipped up silent dust devils that soon hid their view. I now can hear their footsteps in the forest but something else walks through the undergrowth. I cannot spot his shadow even though I have always known who he is, because he came to me! He …

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I Want to Burn My Past

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My “higher” self is really wrecking havoc on me today. A part of me wants to burn everything associated with my past and only look forward. This has nothing to do with my family. It’s all my regrets of past decisions affecting me in the present. I was sitting in my storage unit today where a leak in the ceiling had rotted a few of my old boxes of stuff and mildew is beginning the decomposing process. It affected some of my junk. As I started to sort through some of it, my past came back to haunt me. Things that …

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The Affinities that Plague Me

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Wish I knew myself better than I do; I have no clue why I have so much affinity for certain things but it’s more of a curse than a blessing sometimes and it feels maddening because there is nothing that easily enables me to connect the dots, like tonight! 99% of the people I have shared my thoughts with cannot interpret or decipher much of what I feel, see, or have experienced. But certain things/triggers/moments make me feel an undeniable connection that brings comfort; such as dancers in any sort of ceremony that I’ve been invited to… Sometimes, all I …

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Fresh from the Transfer

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Mind Opening Portalexploring the possibilitiesas infinite as they have becomeas soon as I had broken the windowsof everything I knew. Then, as if divinity stepped in,there he was with all thebeauty that he brought with himto give to his chosenunconditionally. Sentient spirits came fromout of the thundering abyssfrom the deep billows of the stormand down belowall was calm and mesmerizing. Somewhere out of this chaoscame a powerful peace that predatesour time and placethat came into our spaceand brought us together. It’s quite extraordinary,this unknown schemethat is more natural and mysticthan earth-made systemsAnd into this unknown we venture. by Nathan Cowlishaw

Aliens in My Early Life

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In my early life, not sure exactly when – some source of intelligence came to me when I was a child. It was not traumatic. It was nothing like being abducted or taken against my will and I was not violated and nothing questionable was committed against me. I have a definitive connection to the Universe outside of our planetary world here on Earth as a result. Whoever they were, wherever they came from; somehow they were involved in my upbringing. I have to give credit when it is due; they had profound influence during my development. There is no other way …

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Finding The Other Person

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These days, I see other people posting deep things on social networks like Facebook, and I start to think how vain it is to put important content or anything with a more serious personal tone on a place like a corporate social network. Have we become such frail and hollow beings that we no longer find independence? This is why it is important for me to have a journal and a space to pen my more personal and intimate thoughts with a maturity that no social network is worthy of. While stating the obvious above, here’s what’s on my mind… …

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The Western Vulture Has It Backwards

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I’m anti-secular and I don’t mean in the simple religious sense but in a deep spiritual context that involves the entire physical universe and reality as we know it. I truly believe that science cannot even begin to fathom or comprehend just how beautifully supernatural our waking reality is. Our entire Earth and all creation is full of countless intelligences. Rocks, trees; anything composed of matter/atoms are intelligent. I believe many Native nations had a scientific and intricate knowledge of this but the Western Vulture has it all backwards…

Looking For Answers

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Due to lack of sleep last night, I’m feeling somewhat mixed-up on this fine Friday. We had a string of car burglaries on our street late last night, and luckily my buddies and I happened to be in the right place to call the police and they were busted pretty fast off the cuff. This is not a big deal because I’ve already got enough excitement to exceed my daily dose this whole week. I’ve got a lot of stuff on my mind because I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Things are all up in the air …

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She is my new muse… An artist is she…

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I can hear the soft whisper of the wind as it gently brushes the window blinds and evening starts to set-in… The Robins are singing in the late afternoon summer. Fine sediment is blowing in from the dust bowl west of town. And I’m just thinking… thinking about a lot of things. Life is full of beauty with the simple, if you just let. them. be.

A Relentless Rant and Endless Beauty

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How do you show contempt for someone in such a satisfying way as not to start hating them? I don’t know, but I’m very angry. For now, I’ve got the the sun-baked shadows in Moab to keep me calm and focused. An air-conditioned hotel reminds me of the lavish excesses of American civilization; I’m tired of the complexity associated with soothsayers, snake oil salesman, and uninformed minions & consumers of American fat. Why should I fear saying what’s in my heart without reprisal? I don’t fear. It’s no loss of mine to keep my soul and reject the vanities of …

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Pain and Adventure

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There is a slight breeze coming through the window blinds and the face of sunlight creeps against the bedroom wall and edges down the hallway towards the bathroom. The blazing star begins another summer day as I drag myself out of bed and down the road. The Jeep starts up with a clogged fuel filter which needs to be changed this morning or today. There’s a few other problems that need fixing on the Cherokee but I take on each day without too much worry. I’m just need the next serious adventure. The neighbor’s window chimes dance in the wind …

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My Experience As An Outlaw

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Let’s start a political movement. Several ideas keep flooding my head and I can no longer ignore them. I have a dream for America, and it’s starts in my local community. Conservative hill-billy Southern Utah, here I come. Consider me both conservative and middle-of-the-road but I have ideas that run deeper than civilization and I intend to focus this political energy into a grassroots movement. The first batch of issues I wish to address are as follows; government accountability & transparency, police misconduct, racism & discrimination in the community and asking the “hard questions” to politicians who we elect into …

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The World of the Green-Back Dollar Bill

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Technology in my world has a limited place. If all electricity shut off tomorrow, it would be the first day of an epic adventure that I have been looking forward to for all my life. That’s right, I see the ‘End’ as the beginning of an adventure, and definitely a new way of life! I’ve been living my life in such a way to survive this cataclysmic change headed our way. This is what would make me an anarchist to some people but a peaceful one at that. I don’t believe in any form of violence except against the most …

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Early Morning Drive

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About 5 AM this morning I threw on Levis and Redwing boots and rushed into the early February cold before the hint of dawn. As I fired up the Jeep it was so frigid that I quickly retreated into the house waiting for the engine to warm up. The day before, after church, I drove into the desert to plow in four-wheel-drive through fresh snow and get a good scenic view of the aftermath of a big blizzard that had moved through on Saturday. After turning on a random dirt road, I drove about 50 miles cutting fresh tracks in …

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Decolonizing America?

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It’s not impossible for Uncle Sam to change his outlook & decolonize. In fact, I think he could change his whole opinion & quit seeing the world from the typical ethnocentric, westernized standpoint. Our multi-cultural nation could enter an enlightened renaissance never seen before in the history of civilization!

My Life is a River

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It’s 1 A.M. in the morning and I am inspired to write. Why is that? This thought came into my head because I no longer suffer from the writers block. All of a sudden I feel inspired to write. Life is like a river. I’m a desert rat and river rat and this is how I live. The desert canyon country is my dwelling. Because life is a river, I do not know whats around the next bend in the canyon or when the next major rapid is going to challenge my raft. So I spent the whole evening watching …

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The Howling Wind Tells the Story

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Do you ever listen to the wind, the silence, the rattling aspen leaves? Have you considered the end of the world, lately? Today feels very uncertain. The final throws of summer are dying; crickets still sing at night. Off in the distance I listen to the hum of the freeway, diesels and cars fly down I-15. Sunflowers are dangling in the wind bright as yellow day. I watched the purple sun vanish through a dark slit in the sky and celebrated a friend’s birthday at a local Japanese restaurant called, Ninja. When I came home this evening, I cracked open …

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Owls, Coyotes, Memories and Dreams

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My Amigo, Omar and I traveled out to Milford, Utah. We stopped off at an old abandoned mining mill and smelter out in the boonies. There inside a decrepit torn building with a partially collapsed roof, we saw a Great Horned owl which flew out of the ruins and then returned a few seconds later. It wasn’t very far above our heads, about 15 feet and It landed up in the roof rafters. It looked back down on us with ruffled feathers and a quiet stance. This has been apart of a strange series of events that I’ve noticed over …

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Life Requires Deep Roots

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I’m like the coyote, often careless, reckless, and naive even in my late twenties. Okay, I have to confess something publicly, I acted out on my insecurities. It was very reckless and I may have said some mean things. I didn’t realize they may be taken that way until after I reread the words. Be careful what you say to another human being. Words are like tooth-paste. Once it’s out of the tube, it’s hard to get back in. I am sensitive, irrational, illogical, and dream too much. Empathy is not always my strong point hence why I need to …

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My Strong Heart

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First off, I finally have something to write about and it concerns my earlier life. This is what I call introspection. When I was in grade school I hopelessly teased, ridiculed, and made fun of. In the sixth grade I wore a hat that proclaimed, “I love my Grandpa!” The other school children made fun of me because I dressed like a country boy and was living in Salt Lake City at the time. Basically, I was country when country wasn’t cool and I didn’t jive with city kids. I wasn’t good at sports, neither. So the combination made me …

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Aliens and Country Store Ice Cream

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We drove out to Area 51 in the middle of the night which turned into a big misadventure. Actually, it wasn’t a misadventure at all. Well it was, but it wasn’t. And it wasn’t even my idea. You see, there’s this girl I was studying with at Southern Utah University and after we finished up she suggested that we drive to Area 51 in Southern Nevada in the middle of the night. I don’t think she realized that I would do such a thing. Most guys aren’t crazy. Well, she’s crazy and I realized how much fun it would be. …

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My Random Cowboy Life

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It’s time for me to call it quits on being a summer tour guide. That means staying home and having a real social life. For the past five years, I have been either traveling or working somewhere on a ranch! It’s spectacular but I’ll admit even the best adventuring grows old. I want a family someday and it isn’t going to happen if I’m always moving. The desert and the road trips are amazing but I’m ready to anchor myself and get down to business with dating. I’ll type my thoughts daily and get in the habit of doing so. …

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A Noise is Made

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Somewhere in the day to day continuity, you wish for some kind of escape from reality. Vanity rules our minds because we are emotional creatures. There is no logic concerning human behavior. Beyond all the static, our most basic desires are not always realized. Could it be we don’t always venture beyond where we feel comfortable? In the maze, there is a way past all the dead-ends. There is always a way from start to finish. The clues are there to build endurance. Being aware of the possibilities requires being calm and having faith. Life is about those unexpected events …

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Flashbacks of Havasupai

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Last night I went hiking down in the Narrows. There were no clouds in the sky. I returned to Cedar City around 7 P.M. and spent that evening reading Desert Solitaire by Edward Abbey. Sometime in the wee-hours of morning I had a strong dream about the entire Grand Canyon getting inundated with water ripping down every gorge and side canyon. Imagine the destruction to Hoover Dam? At the Bar 10 lodge where I used to work on the North Rim, I dreamed the employees had gone crazy and were gambling and playing poker. When I awakened images of what …

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