Finding The Other Person

These days, I see other people posting deep things on social networks like Facebook, and I start to think how vain it is to put important content or anything with a more serious personal tone on a place like a corporate social network. Have we become such frail and hollow beings that we no longer find independence? This is why it is important for me to have a journal and a space to pen my more personal and intimate thoughts with a maturity that no social network is worthy of.

While stating the obvious above, here’s what’s on my mind…

I cannot change who I am for anyone but can be supportive and caring and understanding of someone else who is different. Yes, I have my struggles but the Creator knows what’s in my heart. We all have a purpose and a mission in this life. I’m trying to make sense of mine.

I would like to find someone who is wise beyond their years, with a deeper spiritual awakening about the world, and the universe and all of creation, but doesn’t care so much for our secular society where all the mundane norms become overbearing. There would be a strong affinity between this individual and me that comes loaded with absolute certainty neither of us could deny; something confirmed by a Higher Power. The Universe/Multiverse is infinite and I am aware of it as I dwell in the corners of God’s imagination. Love is simply being content and grateful for what God, the Creator, has given you. Love, through all of it’s expressions works in mysterious ways with an intelligence that even becomes eternal.

Writing a journal through these technologies enables a sturdy place for record keeping. Every day, the internet is being recorded and archived for future generations. Keeping this record let’s those who read it in the future know what was going through my mind, historically. Really, though, sometimes a serious thought and introspection is worth writing and then contemplating on.

I was inspired to say something meaningful! I’m happy in my own skin as I have matured over the years while facing the music. As an individual, my happiness comes from within and my desires and needs have changed over time. I’m still young, with so much life ahead. I hope the Creator helps me determine a destiny and guides me on where I need to go and lets me know what needs to get done.

Looking For Answers

Due to lack of sleep last night, I’m feeling somewhat mixed-up on this fine Friday. We had a string of car burglaries on our street late last night, and luckily my buddies and I happened to be in the right place to call the police and they were busted pretty fast off the cuff. This is not a big deal because I’ve already got enough excitement to exceed my daily dose this whole week.

I’ve got a lot of stuff on my mind because I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Things are all up in the air right now. I’m getting ready to move from Cedar and I’m trying to consider the things that are most important to me. It would be nice if there were more of a real job market in Cedar City, but 45 miles south of my hometown is where the economic reality lays in reach.

I’ve had an amazing week with so much to describe that I don’t know where to begin or what I should do? Because of this cross-roads, I’ve divvied this down to the very moment, the present. Meaning, I’m not going to worry about the past or future but just try to live day-to-day and see where it takes me and see if there’s something that I can do to adjust the outcome of my destiny or what happens.

The important individuals in this moment can have a real impact on the outcome of how this will play out for me. Based on circumstance, anything is possible concerning heart-felt dreams. Some of these thoughts are too personal to share on a public blog. So I’m thinking of what I should do, and how I should go about doing it. Wow… All I can say, is live life to the fullest and have a lot of faith. Believe in yourself and hope for great things to come to light.

Yanny Country: Bluff, Utah…BEWARE!

It’s late at night. The crickets and gas station lights are buzzing into the darkness. There’s hardly any street lights through Bluff. We ate at the Twin Rock Cafe just up the road before sundown and I think the Yannies are out, tonight. Just across the San Juan is the Navajo Rez. I’m staying in the tidy little Kokopelli Inn, writing a few brief thoughts and getting ready to go for a nightly run which feels a little intimidating…

There are ghosts roaming the night. Little people move up the arroyos somewhere out on Cedar Mesa, south of Bluff, busy in their cobweb tunnels. Some lone old bearded man is coming off the mesa into town after passing the rim of the Goosenecks between Bluff and Monument Valley. He can also sense the uneasiness of the night and what hides in the bush beneath the stars.

Crickets buzz, the gas station is burning the darkness like a shining beacon, a light house in a Sandstone sea. There’s barely any traffic up and down the road, maybe a car every 30 minutes on their way to Four Corners and onto Cortez, Colorado. In the little Sinclair station in the belly of Bluff, I’m visiting the two funny Navajo ladies running the register, asking them questions, and just chatting and joking. The buzz of the gas station hums against the eerie night. The neon sign of the from the motel shines into the black, buzzing, and burning away with a Kokopelli playing the flute, but the bright light doesn’t get reach very far into the blackness. The crickets are very loud and the sound is growing, being amplified. It’s like a scene out of a movie. Something out there is moving in the darkness, looking at me and the people in little station.

Most towns in Utah don’t feel like this. Bluff is strange, weird, eerie, comforting, and even unsettling. I’m attracted to the spook of it. It’s an ancient aesthetic and beauty, apart of this rugged little hidden town buried in hoodoos, waterholes, arroyos, cliffs, canyons, toadstools, balancing rocks and the white sandstone that adheres to the sacred Rio San Juan. It’s a river that’s deeply rooted in Navajo folklore, and history. As it snakes around in the goosenecks, in the darkness, off to the South as I write this. I can feel the river, the crickets, the glowing neon.

It’s the middle of May and this is my life. It is beautiful. I’m getting ready to go for a run out in the darkness. Toodaloo! 🙂

A Few Thoughts On the Wilderness

Thinking as I watch the sun dew dripping off the naked winter trees. It’s a cold winter night, but the Earth is strong and beautiful. All is beautiful. Wish you were here…

…I miss the summer, hiking in the narrows of Zion with my sweetheart, or watching the purple light of evening drape the desert sand…

The wintry sun now softly whispers and the candled stars begin to rise in the eternal dome, not yet totally dark but primordial. The frigid wind wails through the branches of an ancient juniper skeleton. Dressed from head to toe like a redneck eskimo, I look out across the ages, over a snowy blanket of high desert plateau decked with pinion and juniper. A lone raven planes the darkened twilight above me. While everyone else is holed up at home, this is a witness to the surreality of the wilderness. There is peace in the wild.

A Bittersweet Experience of Havasupai

Havasupai, in the Grand Canyon, is not just a canyon and a bunch of pretty waterfalls. It has cultural significance as well as a lot of history surrounding the indigenous people that call it home, mainly the Supai. I’ll include my thoughts on the Supai people at a later time, in a different journal entry. This post is regards my experiences with Havasupai and how it is changing my outlook on life. Or perhaps, it has forced me to introspect about things I would not consider otherwise?

Havasupai changed my life three years ago for better or worse in August 2008 when a massive flash flood nearly killed me. My friends, Joe and Robert were there, but this has become more of a personal experience as the years go by because I keep returning to Havasupai and each visit changes me quite a bit. At this point in time, I don’t even know if I understand myself anymore? I return to the canyon in a personal pilgrimage that is making my own thought-processes much more complex and hard to grip.

I feel a need to write down the thoughts I had while introspecting the personal conflicts I have with Havasupai and why it is so much more than a recreational/tourist destination to me. My experiences there were so life-altering that I need to share what I know with other people who love the canyon, or nature in general. My experiences have been both sweet and nightmarish at the same time. The flood that nearly killed me three years ago still haunts my psyche in dreams and flashbacks on the night when we were taken by surprise by this raging mud torrent. The snapping driftwood still lingers in thoughts.

It echoes back into reality when 72 hours ago I was sitting overlooking the famous Mooney Falls, in the solitude of the canyon in the early morning while all my friends are back in camp sleeping in their tents. The morning sunlight just starts to glisten on the highest canyon rims. Today I was still unpacking from that backbacking trip into the Grand Canyon. It was my third visit back to Havasupai since the flood and I have several complex thoughts haunting my mind and the urge to share them is hard to resist. However, I may not be able to share them all in one journal entry. . .

Decolonizing America?

It’s not impossible for Uncle Sam to change his outlook & decolonize. In fact, I think he could change his whole opinion & quit seeing the world from the typical ethnocentric, westernized standpoint. Our multi-cultural nation could enter an enlightened renaissance never seen before in the history of civilization!

Owls, Coyotes, Memories and Dreams

Wild Art - Raven Lands on Dead Juniper Claw

My Amigo, Omar and I traveled out to Milford, Utah. We stopped off at an old abandoned mining mill and smelter out in the boonies. There inside a decrepit torn building with a partially collapsed roof, we saw a Great Horned owl which flew out of the ruins and then returned a few seconds later. It wasn’t very far above our heads, about 15 feet and It landed up in the roof rafters. It looked back down on us with ruffled feathers and a quiet stance. This has been apart of a strange series of events that I’ve noticed over the past summer. Since July, I’ve had about five different coyotes cross my path and I cannot help but feel slightly superstitious. At first, it felt like bad luck but there’s beauty in all of this. I do not know what these events mean? Rarely have I had coyotes cross my path, if ever? Usually I see deer, or even skunks, but never coyotes. So the frequency of these events leads me to believe something strange is happening? I’m wondering how this may affect my life or if it is an omen of some sort? Being Mormon, and LDS, I cannot dive too deep into this mystery.

But life is beyond real or the confines of imaginary fiction. Something spectacular crawls through our reality of time and space. Events happen that cannot be explained. We have experiences like breaking down at Area 51 or nearly drowning in a Grand Canyon Flood. Or perhaps fate does exists and a perfect love story begins… Who knows? Maybe fate was never real, and we begin to fill our imaginations with crazy nonsense. Truly, I never really give up on faith and the power of patience.

As I roam desert wastelands, and talk to quirky strangers, I realize the beauty of this life and to have a strong faith in the unseen. Things happen when the time is right. As I write this, I listen to the crickets outside my open door out in the country and watch the sunlight fade into soft warm dusk. Fall is coming, and I ponder the adventures that await…

Now going down memory lane, this is a lonely flare but ignites in the cave of my dreams. I miss the deep starry skies of Flagstaff, Arizona and the snow in the Ponderosa. I don’t usually like the winter cold but the land of Northern Arizona captures my imagination. I miss hearing train whistles blow all night long as Santa Fe rail cars passed through downtown. Flagstaff is the classic, Route 66 train town and where the music of Johnny Cash grew close to my heart. Tonight, I let these memories catch fire…

And now, a short love poem – let the starlight capture your gaze tonight where happiness never sleeps and dreams never soften. A heart that is pure cannot deny the truth of what was real, and I love life because of what may be? Never forget the memories as they come and go and flee…

Life Requires Deep Roots

I’m like the coyote, often careless, reckless, and naive even in my late twenties. Okay, I have to confess something publicly, I acted out on my insecurities. It was very reckless and I may have said some mean things. I didn’t realize they may be taken that way until after I reread the words. Be careful what you say to another human being. Words are like tooth-paste. Once it’s out of the tube, it’s hard to get back in. I am sensitive, irrational, illogical, and dream too much. Empathy is not always my strong point hence why I need to be much more proactive when it comes to dealing with the people in my life.

Faith is required in all human relationships. Faith is confidence to replace fear. Life requires deep roots as the reality will wear one thin. My grandfather was rooted deep. That’s why he was married 50 plus years. Take time to learn how to suppress those insecurities and don’t let them damage the ones you love or care about. Often you will not even realize when you hurt someone. Be unconditional and slow to react. The better you are at this, the more you will be loved by some, and praised by others.

My Strong Heart

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First off, I finally have something to write about and it concerns my earlier life. This is what I call introspection. When I was in grade school I hopelessly teased, ridiculed, and made fun of. In the sixth grade I wore a hat that proclaimed, “I love my Grandpa!” The other school children made fun of me because I dressed like a country boy and was living in Salt Lake City at the time. Basically, I was country when country wasn’t cool and I didn’t jive with city kids. I wasn’t good at sports, neither. So the combination made me the class clown.

In a way, I feel like I was dealt a great injustice but it empowered me to be self-dependent, to survive alone this world. That’s where it all begins. This is what makes me personally sovereign. By my definition of that, it means being a citizen to yourself first and foremost before giving allegiance to anything or anyone else. I’m a warrior against the injustices in the world and I’ve learned to be that way from personal struggles. I was bullied in school and now I stand against those that destroy beauty.

There’s a reason I’m an outlaw and a rebel against this modern world because I hear the voices on the wind and dream of deepness and darkness of rivers. My dreams are strong and powerful just like the thunderstorm off in the distance or the coyote that crosses the road. My heart allows me to take a stand against the injustices in the world and I want to become a warrior spirit against those that harm the beauty in this world.

The Creator gave me a heart that is true and pure. The truth is, I am not afraid of getting my heart broken or hurt. Life is beautiful and it’s the challenging experiences that count most. In the end, my deepest charms are reserved for the girl that wins my heart. All others will be friend-zoned. 🙂