After watching the western movie titled; Unforgiven, it reminded me of a trip my brother and I made out to Nevada, to a place called Pioche. During the late 1800’s, They say Pioche was one of the most ruthless towns in the West. It was a busy mining town and a war zone. If you visited, you ran the chance of being harassed or even killed. Murder wasn’t uncommon in Pioche, Nevada. It was also common in many other colonial frontier settlements at the time. In my opinion, this was the true history of America’s expansion into the West while drunk in corruption. The movie Unforgiven, will satisfy this assumption; It will testify about everything. There’s no Hollywood glamour, or fake stereotypes in this movie. You will see things up close and personal. You will see the disease that plagued the territory. This often must have been the true lifestyle during America’s westward expansion; or the prime of it’s Manifest Destiny.

This movie is directed by Clint Eastwood, and he’s also the main character. Unforgiven is highly disturbing, and hard to understand.

Click Here – for the movie at Amazon.

Today’s high temperature was 25 degrees. Tonight’s low will be 6 Degrees. My family left town yesterday for the weekend, and I decided to stay behind. So it’s just me and the dogs, and I took them west of Cedar on a hike. This town is right on the borderline of the Colorado Plateau, and there are mountains. So it seems like this place gets more snow than the desert. I journeyed out there today and there wasn’t much snow. But had an enjoyable time, and made it back safely.

The other day I almost got stranded. My vehicle is old and was having some problems, but I made it back okay. I was off in a canyon for about six hours doing some photography, and enjoying the silence. When I returned to go home, the car was totally dead! Several times I tried push starting it but nothing would happen. Just after dusk, a man stopped in a Chevy truck and was kind enough to jump start my car. I hadn’t seen anyone else all day. This location was about 20 miles from the main highway. So I was glad that I didn’t end up spending the night out there. LOL.

So I will end by saying Happy New Year!

I wrote this a few years ago, and was reading it tonight from a past journal. I am reposting it here to share. I hope that anyone who is feeling lonely tonight will read these words and feel comforted by deeper feelings. When I am sad, that is when I write my best thoughts and it’s when I dream my best dreams. Life is too short to take for granted. We all need beauty and love and we all need a friend that is willing to listen.

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Out There on the Desert

When I go into the desert on some remote highway, I am there by myself and surrounded by so much beauty. This is stolen land! Once people use to dwell here. but now they are somewhere else. They are no longer here.

This makes me real sad inside. As I am sitting on the edge of some cliff, I watch the sun go down and reflect its last light over the red sandstone and I can feel the old ways that were once here. The sun is something even more personal way out here! It has a spirit that talks to you!

Every day I am wondering what is going to happen to this little world. I go on these trips alone and the anger disappears. I only want what is peaceful. I always ponder about those old days that happened so long ago. it is the way it was.

Winter is drawing nearer to the desert. Leaves have fallen from the trees. The mountains are no longer green. It’s time for a change in beauty, white snow covered valleys ready for silent dreams.

To My Dad in Salt Lake –

If your reading this; I just want you to know that I am grateful for everything you’ve done for Joe and me. You’ll always be my Number One Father! Nothing will transcend that either. Actions always speak louder then words!

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Journal Entry –

I nearly drowned in classes today. I’m taking a Middle Eastern Politics class, Sociology, and another class titled Social Problems. They all seem connected. More and more, the education is challenging my beliefs and opinions. Wow!! Three wake-up calls today on the path towards awareness. I want to weed out any terrible Prejudices that might still be lurking in me, and stab ’em all to death!

Life is good. People are beautiful. And Earth and Sky are all beautiful. My family and friends are beautiful, and I love them very much.

Tonight is a happy night; a good evening to say something positive. I received a lot of knowledge today, so perhaps this is the after-affect. It’s more like an afterglow.

Have you ever herd the quote; “Nothing is more wonderful then losing a closed-mind!” …Wow!

I have the day off. There’s twenty dollars in my wallet and a car waiting for the desert’s wiry dirt roads. The desert is calling. Mental images of the land are dancing in my head.

When we journeyed across Parowan Valley, past the alfalfa fields, and ranches; large numbers of ravens were everywhere. They were gathering in different locations. But they were bunched in large groups. Some looking like they numbered in the hundreds. What were they up to? Were they getting ready to travel somewhere? Even in the dead of winter, the ravens are always at home on the landscapes of Southern Utah.

The West Desert is sweating, even in the autumn’s heat. Something is calling me to venture into the Unknown. The simplicity and isolation sing to my senses. The simple silence speaks between Mother Earth and Sky. It’s the fact that I am alone, free to move, and free to be happy without restraint.

You never know what paths you may cross, nor lessons learned. Strange things manifest themselves where loneliness lurks. The desert is sentient and aware of my soul.

So today, that old car will travel a hundred miles of dusty roads, towards the heart of old ghost towns, sage, and thunderous dreams. Places that can only be found in mystery, where wild horses still roam the mountain ranges!

The Sunshine was cold this morning, and the grass was frosted. The sky was deep blue! The leaves are changing quickly. Yet, it is still September? I am not used to this early transition. It seems as though summer disappeared. The crickets are singing, but those evenings are numbered.

In recent years we’ve had very warm autumns and winters. The cold spell is hopefully short. When it passes, it will warm up. Not like summer though. This is the ON/OFF season when Thunderstorms seem to strengthen, especially at lower elevations. Its prime time for the Monsoon rains, but the last week we’ve had only blue sky and frosted mornings. It’s feels normal, which feels abnormal. I guess that’s Southern Utah in a five year drought.

Last October, 2003, Southern Utah witnessed some HUGE lightning storms. My cousin and I were photographing a petroglyph site near a small town called Ivins, near the Arizonan and Nevada borders. We watched the largest thunder and lightning display that I could remember in recent years. It came crashing down on us in a magnificent display. Every second a bolt was clapping. Although, I have a great fear of Lightning, I’ve always enjoyed the tension. I love the strength and power of gigantic thunderheads beating the landscape! The sky swelters in a dark blue haze. If you’re lucky, such a variety of clouds and sky can create gorgeous sunsets! In the Abstract sense, I feel that the colder air adds to the Beauty. During these mystical moments, Its always the last part of summer trying to hold on, but alas, the seasons are changing.

It will be time to pick Pine Nuts soon. The Pinion Trees of the Great Basin will be giving fruit. I’ll take the cousins to a place called Hamblin Valley which is about 80 miles west of Cedar City, UT. We’ll go fill the trunk of my Honda Civic with Pine Nuts!

This time of year is also great camping weather. The Rattle Snakes disappear. It’s no longer dangerous to hike into tight shady areas. You don’t have to worry about where you go, and you don’t have to think twice about where your going to set your foot. The snakes aren’t going to bother, because they’re sleeping.

Its autumn and time to put that good old summer behind. It’s time to welcome the new season with open arms. If it snows early, and winter comes in October, then so-be-it! If it warms back up again, let’s hope that the heat stays till January. It’s been known to happen. It sometimes rains in January, and snows in June. The weather is always strange on the West Desert. Not even the weatherman can predict the flash floods or the isolated storms, And Utah has been known to get a few RARE tornadoes!

This weekend, I’ll take my brother Joe, and my cousins camping and freeze beneath the desert stars. We will be surrounded by the safety of Juniper trees and a small camp fire. And my thoughts dwell on Mother Earth, she is always very beautiful, all the time!

Every time I return back to classes and college studies, I get this weird restless feeling inside. Kind of like I don’t want to be here, but I am sticking it out. If I had my way, I’d be traveling the Southwest, and doing my photography. I wouldn’t be stuck to this tiny campus, nor this town and its boundaries. There’s no soul in all of this. But like usual, I’ll keep on going.

It feels like everybody wants me to conform in certain ways, and the pressure is pushing from all directions. It never stops. Wanting to break free is constantly on my mind, but to hang in there is also important.

Then there’s the addiction to the technology, and the candy covered luxuries of civilization and easy living. All of this binds the Human Spirit. It’s creating a feeling of helplessness, and weakness. It’s a feeling of being caged in, and starved.

These are my thoughts and feelings for the moment. The more I dwell on them, the worse it gets.

I took my grandparents on a little outing today in the van. They’re truck has been broke down for about a month. My brother and our cousin have been trying to get my grandpa’s truck running, so he can keep the business running. Things have been tight lately.

Today we went on a 234 mile round trip, and spent the whole time finishing a few chores, and enjoying the journey. We drove across the Arizona Strip on the way back home. Gigantic desert clouds blanketed the desert sky as far as the eye could see, and cloud shadows dotted the golden landscape.

What a beautiful world, a quiet world. I forget the simple things at times. Visiting with my grandparents like I did today, is a rare experience. The mood was beautiful.

It’s sad that Summer is almost over.

It’s true freedom when you go into the mountains all alone, and spend the night by yourself far away from any road or trail. We have some mountains behind our ranch here in Southern Utah and they are pretty isolated. I was in my late teen years, when I would often venture into them on a regular basis during the summer. I dodged a few rattlesnakes. My stupidity, and hunger for fear clouded my judgment at times. Always, I’ve had my eye on the unknown, hidden things lurking in those mountains. The Blue Sky against Mother Earth, and the smell of wet sage after a rainfall still brings strong feelings.

A canyon behind our rock yard that people call Braffits Creek, and is a very deep and untouched canyon full of rigid cliffs and a deafening silence. Only the small creek is heard and an occasional breeze disturbs the Quietness.

So I wander? What would happen if you persuaded one of those city people to spend the night alone in a forest of old Juniper trees? How would they handle it?

Every time I go camping in remote areas, I get an awkward lonely feeling, especially when I take risks. What happens if I fell, or broke a leg, and starved? A multitude of thoughts pass through your imagination. What happens of you died, and no one ever found your bones? That’s a thought coming from a country boy.

On my way back home from a trip to Salt Lake City, I watched the sun drop in the west. Its rays illuminated a mass of rain clouds above some mountains along I-15. They glittered in colors of red, purple, and maroon. As I watched that grand closing, I felt so grateful for life.

An eagle silhouetted in black by the setting sun was sailing on the winds of bad weather. He was soaring below great thunderheads, and lightning was flashing everywhere. He was a small creature compared to the enormous expanse desert. Without his presence though, everything would have felt empty! The way this eagle weaved back and forth on the wind added a surreal feeling to the moment; a warrior and hunter; a beautiful king living on the freedom from his heart!

A photograph explains a thousand words, but the Earth talks in a spiritual wordless language that can pierce the heart, the intellect, and the soul of every human being. The Eagle was crying in a vision.

When a moment of beauty exposes itself to you, do not take it for granted. Don’t be distracted by your own life, or by the civilization that you live in. What you value now may not exist in the near future. Material things do not amount to much, but truth matters!

I think the Eagle was crying, or manifesting its struggle to keep going, despite the encroachment of darkness into his realm. As long as the sun keeps on burning, the warrior keeps on sailing.

None of us understand the dreams deep within. But every Human Being has his/hers struggles, and we all carry a confusion that won’t ever be solved. My personal opinion is that when you die, you might have a shred of truth, you might have been successful in scratching the surface the unknown. But even after death, you will keep on learning for the rest of eternity. Just like the never-ending universe, everything is infinite. Everything has endless meaning. Freedom is in the blood, freedom is in the struggle. The more trials that you face, the more you have to endure. You have to be grateful for everything bad and good.

I was taught as a child that the path of life was never meant to be easy, but it is definitely worth each step. Endure to the end! Maybe that is ONE teaching out of infinity.

And so this is another dramatic, but consistent entry into the West Desert Journal. But it’s how I feel at the moment. Goodnight.

On some days, I wander what is wrong with this world. The confusion that hate creates is nothing more then an unreasonable burden. Some people are probably deep in their own pain. I believe that every Human Being has the power to change their ways and drop the hate, racism, and stereotypes. Weeding out personal egos has always been a challenge in me.

Racism is going to die hard in Amerikkka. It’s sooo deeply rooted in the US Nation; it won’t die without a fight. Resistance is the only way.

Could the fact be simple? If hate ever disappeared from this world, and people realized what a beautiful circle that this planet creates, maybe there could be room for change? There is a purpose to this life.

If this a personal paradigm, then help me break it. My perception is forever evolving and this message is probably nothing more then jabber.

After watching a documentary on the Grand Canyon tonight, I quickly became homesick. I’ve been there when the tourists have gone into hibernation and the winter snows have settled upon the ledges. The South Rim is very peaceful in the wintertime and I hope to plan a trip soon. It will help me rejuvenate from the modern society that has sucked my spirit dry.

Way out there, in the middle of those canyonlands, the stars glow like candles at night. It’s a desert dreamer’s escape from the reality that plagues this sad, sad world.

It was cloudy today, I thought it might rain. The weather cheered up though and it’s warm and sunny. The trees are calm and not much is happening in the little town of Cedar City.

While eating breakfast on the porch this morning, a hummingbird came into the yard pollinating the flowers, and it stayed for a while. Cute little fellow, he was happy!

We don’t see too many of them in mother’s yard. Out in Parowan where my grandmother has hummingbird feeders hanging all over the place – including the garden, there are plenty of them flying everywhere. They’ve nested on my grandma’s porch, in the light sockets where the bulbs hang out on the ceiling. They use the same nests every year and its fun just to sit there and watch them.

Southern Utah hummingbirds are very hyper, they often like to get into fights and play tag while feeding. Sometimes they forget your presence and come within arms reach of slamming ya. They have no fear, except when humans come near their nesting spots. Hummingbird mothers are very protective and can get nasty. It’s best to keep a safe distance away, lest you don’t mind getting pelted!

So a big part of summer is the hummingbirds. If it wasn’t for them, it wouldn’t be the same. Just like it wouldn’t be the same if you couldn’t hear a billion crickets serenading on those warm desert nights.

Today the rain clouds are coming in quickly. Last night it rained hard for about twenty minutes. Utah has been suffering a five year drought. Until about four days ago, the desert hasn’t seen a drop of rain. Fire danger was at extreme, and everything looked dried up. They say this Utah is the second driest in the US. Last summer, it was one fire after another.

The other day I went north of town in the direction the thunderheads were traveling. About 18 miles out, I parked the car on the desert and watched the sun slowly go down in the west. The Clouds became violent, and the lightning was so awesome! The thunder rumbled and echoed accross the landscape. The closer it came, the more power I felt. You know, I have a fear of lightning. But its power is in my soul. Every time its close, it seems to communicate. The rain came nice and cool. What a blessing it was for such a dry land.

I wasn’t home till after dark. The rains let up, but it was the most beautiful time. Those big clouds are blessings, and I wander how the farmers must feel? It sure took a while for the wet season to come and hope it stays.

There’s still blue sky outside as this is being written and those clouds are coming to visit this little town today. With them comes beauty, and I hope the rain falls heavy so the land can become greener.

I am so greatful for such things. They bring happiness.

Nathan Cowlishaw

Here’s another post for today. Just wanted to add some extra thoughts, that are either excessive, or depressive! Lets add to the idea of self-pity; how do you eliminate such a pitiful disease? Its a hard thing to overcome to a large extent. Learning proper compassion is much harder! You’re either serving your own agenda and interests, or your actually caring and helping other people! Trying to overcome the fact that you are an incredibly self-centered person, is like trying to dodge a hurdle as high as Mt. Everest. I thought I had somewhat overcame the issues of Selfishness, but no, I fell deep into self-pity. It’s an unmerciful and lonely world deep down there, with only you and your imagination.

People will shout at me, and keep shouting, but I can’t seem to hear the message. Maybe I’m carelessly avoiding the fact that I have to face up to the morality of being prideful, and uncaring.

Quit thinking of yourself. Stay Positive. Love thy neighbor as thyself. Be sure to endure to the end. Never be UNGREATFUL. Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you, etc…

The first challenge to becoming a better person is to quit running from the challenges, and face up to the challenges. Avoid hurting others, and be careful not to say things you don’t mean to say.

Dumping the Self-Interests is a major battle that will last for months. It’s been a friend when no others were around. But it?s a Demon that will destroy you.

Care for the less fortunate and be brave. Face up to your own selfishness tonight. Stop everything.

Tomorrow is the beginning of a New Day, the first day of the rest of your life.