Something isn’t right, it’s never right! I don’t know whether I’m depressed or just restless? However, I am enjoying school very much. Finally, I have classes that I can relate to, and people I can discuss political issues with. But the begging landscape keeps pulling me away from civilization, into the shadowy wilderness of Juniper hills, and deep filled canyons of silence.
As I am walking home through the campus, after classes, I’m enjoying the blue sky filled with small white clouds. It’s hot outside, but there isn’t any desert wind. Walking under campus ponderosa, the sun sifts through pine tree branches. An old lady carefully limps past me and I look into the eternity of her eyes. She looks like an ancient creature covered in folded wrinkles with narrow lips tightly woven. She is beautiful and quietly walking past me. She has an intuitive friendly face. I felt like stopping her and talking. I love to be around older people whether they are wise or just lonely. I wander where she was heading? Does her family visit her as she looks quite solitary.
This town is filled with young students in their twenties but them are aliens. I don’t know why? I’m the stranger. In my head an ancient piano is playing: Somewhere My Love at a funeral without visitors, family, or friends. There’s a coffin filled with a sad human being covered in red and yellow roses. This was nothing more then a spontaneous thought: I begin to hear wind howling down sandy canyons. It’s a constant, soothing roar that never stops. Within the quiet shade my mind conjures images from the past. At one time, this college campus did not exist. I can see Paiute men from the old days wondering through here in search of rabbits. Instead of green lawn, there was wild sage. The images flicker in the mind like an old picture show. Between two worlds the sun is humming. Something is out there – waiting.
Long ago, there was no Cedar City, and there were no Mormons entering Southern Utah. This desert province wasn’t Southern Utah. Before them the ol’ Spanish Trail went right through the heart of Cedar City and down into Northern Arizona, to Santa Fe. In 1776-77, the Dominguez-Escalante Expedition traveled through here.
This land is stolen. It is occupied territory. America is a simple label placed on an ancient landbase filled with the endless history that predates Columbus, or my European ancestors. As I am walking, the wind begins howling and weeping. The pine needles begin to sing.
You’re a green sprout in a sparse landscape, a descendant of those whose footprints you see in the sand beneath you – you’re a child of the desert.
That’s what I thought when I read this post.
Thanks for the comment, Vernon.
I feel angry at the society we’re living in. American culture feels malevolent. Writing is a simple way for me to escape. lol.
hang in there nathan-
i’ve read your site and you do speak alot of loneliness…but take heart there young man…alot of people that are in their early 20’s–such as yourself–do have a tough time with self esteem and questions about identity and place in life…but as you grow older you begin to get more comfortable in your own skin…and one thing you should do is step outside your comfort zone.
i think you were supposed to be born ndn! 😉 in fact, when i first read your site, i thought perhaps you might be a 1/2 navajo. hehe
but the creator made you who you are..and of course that is a GREAT THING…we all have our path in life…
but you have a great deal of wisdom within you–and you’re young…so you’re a step ahead of the game.
keep on keeping!
sj